


tell me what it takes to move on

by lesbianchloeprice



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, F/F, Fix-It, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Canon, Slow Burn, ellie gets a dog because thats what she DESERVES, me? writing a post-canon fic to heal? it's more likely than you think, other characters mentioned but not tagged, this game destroyed me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:42:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25554517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbianchloeprice/pseuds/lesbianchloeprice
Summary: When Joel died he had taken a piece of Ellie with him, a piece she’d thought was lost forever until the moment she released her hands from ‘round Abby’s neck, letting the woman go free. The piece had always been with her, she had eventually come to realize, just buried deep under layers and layers and grief and rage and blinding fear. Maybe she would have found it on her own one day if she’d stayed at the farm, surrounding herself with nothing but Dina and JJ’s love, but she really couldn’t tell you. If she were being honest, she didn’t think she would have.-OR-Santa Barbara provided the closure Ellie so desperately needed, but she comes to find out that sparing Abby's life was just the beginning of an uphill battle for redemption. Every action in life comes at a cost--Ellie just hopes she can pay it.(slow updates for a bit!)
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 37
Kudos: 204





	1. all the promises at sundown

It was dark, the only light coming from the fires raging in the distance, though they steadily crept closer towards the pillars. Ellie didn’t know how long she’d been sitting there, cross legged in the shallow waters of the ocean and clutching her wounded fingers to her chest, but she suspected it had been a while. The thick smoke had begun to obstruct her view, though Ellie supposed it didn’t matter too much--the boat carrying Abby out of her life for the final time had already disappeared beneath the horizon.

As the adrenaline from the day’s events began to wear off, the more Ellie truly felt the extent of her injuries. Everything hurt and her vision began to swim, the blood loss making her light headed. It was then that the realization hit her--if she didn’t leave right now, get herself to safety and tend her wounds, she may never leave at all; and there was no way in hell Ellie was dying on that god-forsaken beach. No, she couldn’t-- _ wouldn’t _ \--do that to Dina and JJ. To her family. 

The thought of the family she left behind spurred Ellie forward as she forced herself to her feet, lurching her way to the waiting boat. With shaking hands she untied it from the docks, her movements slow and clunky as she struggled to maintain control of her fine motor skills. As she steered the vessel away from the flaming wreckage once home to the notorious Rattlers, fear crept through Ellie for the first time that night. She had been so caught up in finding Abby and exacting revenge that fear had simply never registered, but the crazed frenzy Ellie was under had worn off the moment she’d let Abby live, and now fear was the only thing she felt. 

Where would she go now? Ellie had never let herself think that far ahead; a small part of her (but a part nonetheless) had expected to die in Santa Barbara. There were no contingency plans in place for making it out alive. One thing, however, was for certain--Ellie would make her way back to her family or she would die trying. She just wasn’t sure how she’d manage to get there yet. There were some things that needed to be taken care of first, like not dying from the injuries she’d sustained; and Ellie wasn’t quite sure how to pull that off, either. 

After navigating the boat haphazardly through the waters, Ellie eventually came across a place she recognized. The beached wreckage of the boat Abby and Lev had been staying in stood stark in the night, the sight making Ellie sag in visual relief. A quick cursory glance along the shore revealed no signs of life; waves were calm, sand undisturbed, but more importantly, no motorized boats other than her own in sight. Ellie quickly pulled up alongside the beached vessel, nearly falling flat on her face when she exited the boat. There was a muted ringing in her ears, and it was getting difficult to see through the tunnel vision effect the blood loss was having on her. Taking longer than she’d like to admit, Ellie eventually found her way inside of the boat, only for her heart to sink as she surveyed her surroundings. 

The boat was picked clean, and judging by half-dried blood staining the cabin floor, Abby and Lev had already been there. The cupboards were empty and all of the blankets apart from the fitted sheet were stripped from the bed; Ellie didn’t have to check to know that they had cleared the place of any useful supplies. They must have had the same idea she did, though they had the advantage of a significant head start. Closing her eyes tightly, Ellie desperately wracked her brain for an idea of what to do next. There was no way she was going anywhere that night in her present condition, so scavenging for supplies was out of the question; but she did still have the contents of her backpack. 

All but collapsing to the floor, Ellie thanked whatever higher power that was listening that she hadn’t lost her bag in the fight as she dumped its contents out in front of her. Okay, yeah, she could work with this. Ellie quickly made a list in her head--first things first, she needed to stem the bleeding from her mangled fingers and the gaping hole in her abdomen. After stripping off her shirt and jacket, Ellie began the arduous process of cleaning and re-stitching her stab wound, ripping the forgotten bed sheet into strips to use as makeshift bandages. 

Feeling marginally better, Ellie stared at her disfigured hand, cringing at the sight of the two bloody stubs where her pinky and ring finger used to be. Now came the hard part. All of the work cleaning and stitching her other injuries would be useless if she didn’t get the blood still steadily trickling down her hand under control, and as much as it pained Ellie to admit, it was seeming more and more likely that she’d have to cauterize them. She’d seen it done once before but it had been years ago, back when she was too young for patrols and helping out at the clinic. It looked painful and messy to her young eyes, even when it was done by a professional in a controlled environment, and Ellie was not looking forward to recreating it. 

With monumental effort, Ellie dragged herself to the little nook underneath some overhanging boulders that she knew still had the remnants of a fire Abby and Lev made months ago. She was lucky she already had a lighter and some things that could be substituted for kindling in her pack, because there was no way she had the energy to scrounge up those supplies on her own; the half-burnt logs already piled on top of each other from a previous inferno would have to make do. 

The cauterization process was just as messy and painful as Ellie had feared, nearly making her black out from the pain, and the stick wrapped in cloth she bit down on was the only thing that kept her from screaming loud enough to attract every clicker in a three mile radius. After meticulously bandaging her throbbing fingers and hand, she noticed the bite mark on her palm, nearly forgotten. Though it had stopped bleeding a while ago, the mark was red and angry, the indentations of teeth still clearly visible against her skin; far too noticeable for her liking. 

Before she knew what she was doing, Ellie grabbed the piece of scrap metal she had used for the cauterization process and stuck it back in the flames. When it was white-hot and glowing, Ellie pressed it clumsily against the bite mark before she could talk herself out of it. A jagged cry ripped its way out of her lungs, echoing off of the cave-like surrounding she was huddled in, and Ellie bit down on her lip so hard that it drew blood. Though it had felt like years, all in all it only took a few seconds to finish burning her hand, but as Ellie blinked away the hot tears gathering in her eyes she was satisfied to see that the bite mark was unrecognizable. 

Ellie barely managed to clean and bandage her now-blistering skin as she teetered on the edge of consciousness, the pain and blood loss she had endured finally beginning to overtake her completely. Unable to muster the strength to crawl back to the boat Ellie slumped against the rock wall behind her, chest rising and falling rapidly with shallow breaths as she fought to stay awake. Then, before she knew it, everything went dark. 

Ellie didn’t know how long she drifted in and out of consciousness before she fully awoke, but her sandpaper tongue and parched throat suggested it had been at least a few days. Rummaging around in her pack, Ellie located her water bottle, grabbing it and gulping its contents greedily, water dripping down her chin and chest. After drinking everything down to the last drop, Ellie wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, noting absentmindedly how much her hands were shaking. She felt incredibly weak, her limbs heavy as if they were filled with cement and her movements frustratingly sluggish. 

While Ellie had never been hit by a truck before, she was pretty damn sure this was what it would feel like. This… wasn’t ideal, to say the least, and judging by the painful throbbing of her various injuries and her uncomfortably burning skin, there had to be some sort of infection setting in. Ellie held her bandaged hand in front of her and wondered how the hell she’d be able to fight off any infected (or people, for that matter) in her current state; using her bow would be completely out of the question. 

One thing for certain though was that was that Ellie couldn’t stay there. Her rations were dangerously low and she had just finished the rest of her water supply, and while it was a long shot, Ellie needed to attempt to find some antibiotics if she wanted to get out of this alive. It was a long walk back to Wyoming, and she needed to be in decent shape if she intended to make it. A thought crossed through the back of Ellie’s mind--the Rattlers had been living pretty large at that base of theirs; from what she saw they had plenty of food, and there must have been an infirmary of some sort, right? The last time she had seen the place it was up in flames, but maybe there were some supplies that were still salvageable.

Well, it wouldn’t hurt to try. Probably. 

Before leaving, Ellie took the time to carefully check all of her injuries, frowning at the dark red skin radiating out from the stab wound in her abdomen, before cleaning and re-bandaging all of them. That had used up the last of the medical supplies Ellie’d had on hand, which renewed her determination to search the wreckage of the place she’d indirectly destroyed. Though her appetite was nonexistent, Ellie forced herself to methodically eat the last bits of dried rabbit’s meat she had stored in her pack, wincing as if she forced herself to swallow. It had felt like eating cardboard and the meat sat heavily in her stomach, nausea swirling, but Ellie knew that her body needed the energy if she were to do this successfully. 

Ellie let out a small breath of relief when the motorized boat she’d stolen was still where she’d left it, and even more so when the engine actually rumbled to life without issue. The night she had escaped from the pillars was a blur, Ellie barely remembered anything after she had spared Abby’s life, but she tried her best to retrace her way back to the Rattlers’ sanctum. Luckily it wasn’t as difficult as she’d feared, with plumes of black smoke still staining the otherwise clear skies, acting as a literal indication of where she needed to go. As she approached the beach Ellie noticed the air growing thicker from smoke and ash, irritating her eyes and making her blink back tears in order to see where she was going. 

When Ellie got to the pillars the first thing that registered was the overwhelming scent of burnt human flesh. It looked like she was right to leave when she did, as the landscape in front of her was virtually unrecognizable; piles of human remains and charred wood littering the beach, the sand underneath scorched black. In some areas the fire still smouldered, though not nearly as angrily as it had when it first broke out, and Ellie carefully picked her way across the beach, trying to avoid stepping on the piles of rubble that almost certainly contained what was left of the people who had been there. Ellie paused, not missing the irony of the situation. If she had just stayed at the farm, ignored Tommy like she so wished she had, Abby would be dead, just another corpse among many that littered the beach. 

But that didn’t happen. No, pride and pain and anger and guilt had won over everything else, resulting in Ellie leaving the only people who mattered just to back out at the last second. While she didn’t regret sparing Abby, she couldn’t help but think of how Tommy would react if he knew. She had come all this way, and for what? Abby was still alive, Ellie was badly hurt, and all that she had left of Dina and JJ were memories. Even if she managed to find some antibiotics and survive this, Dina would never forgive her for what she put them through, nor did Ellie expect her to. What Ellie did was unforgivable. She had walked out on the love of her life, their  _ son,  _ all to blindly chase after a woman that shouldn’t have fucking mattered. 

The guilt weighing on Ellie’s shoulders felt insurmountable, but what was done was done, and there was nothing she could do to take it back. However, that didn’t mean she couldn’t still change the future, to try to do right by her family. She needed to go home and see that they were safe at the very least, and if Dina wanted her gone, Ellie would just have to find a way to live with that. But before she could do any of that, she reminded herself, she needed to gather supplies,  _ especially _ some goddamned antibiotics.

After taking a moment to compose herself, Ellie pushed onward, readying the silenced submachine at her side in case any infected happened to cross her path. Trudging her way up the beach and past the pillars, she froze in place at the sight before her. The once luxurious setup the Rattlers had called home had been reduced to nothing more than varying piles of debris and detritus; the flames hadn’t yet died out, still smouldering all around her, and Ellie felt her heart sink. It was hard to believe that anything could have survived this, let alone the very specific, rare supplies she was looking for. She sighed, chewing her lip and then wincing when the metallic tang of blood filled her mouth--oh yeah, she forgot she’d nearly bitten it open the other night--and after a moment of contemplation decided to continue forward. If she was stubborn enough to travel thousands of miles to get vengeance, the least she could do was take a look around. 

Using a process of elimination, Ellie carefully searched every inch of the encampment in order to locate the infirmary, or rather what was left of it. There had been a handful of runners lurking around, but they were easy enough to put down from a distance thanks to the submachine gun slung over her shoulder, and Ellie was able to continue her search with relatively few interruptions. However, the longer she searched the heavier her limbs felt, and it was getting harder to move around quietly. Ellie’s head began to swim and she had to take a few breaks from scavenging, doubled over with her hands on her knees trying to catch her breath. Maybe Ellie should have given herself more time to rest before immediately jumping into action, but _ fuck _ , she needed to get back to her family. To go home.

Just when Ellie was ready to give up for the day, too exhausted to continue the seemingly fruitless search, she caught sight of a corner of the encampment that was less ravaged by the fire than the rest. Feeling reinvigorated, Ellie made her way over there, maneuvering around the rubble of fallen buildings and the remains of the fire clumsily, almost tripping over her own feet more than once. When she was closer Ellie paused, examining her surroundings carefully in order to ensure she was alone before heading forward.

The first structure was a dead end. It looked like it was meant to be an armory, but the Rattlers must have grabbed all the weaponry and ammunition that they could hold when the prisoners escaped. She did find some spare ammo that had been left behind which she pocketed eagerly before moving on. It took Ellie around an hour to explore the area, methodically picking through the rubble so she wouldn’t miss anything, but she didn’t have much to show for it. Aside from some salvageable food and a few bullets, it seemed like there wasn’t anything of value left.

With a groan of frustration, Ellie leaned against one of the intact walls of a building and slid to the floor, hugging her knees to her chest. “Fuck,” she grumbled under her breath, feeling unrelentingly exhausted, a kind of tired that she could feel deep in her bones and that sleep wouldn’t fix. Suddenly a streak of anger shot through Ellie and she kicked a pile of rubble sitting in front of her, sending things scattering, this time yelling,  _ “Fuck!” _

Just when Ellie was losing her last shred of hope, a glint of something buried in debris caught her eye. What looked like the edge of a metal container poked up through the wreckage, only being revealed after Ellie had sent the rubble surrounding it scattering. Ellie crawled over on her hands and knees and tried to pull it out with no luck, so she began moving the pieces of rock and debris that entrapped it one by one. Sweat dripped down Ellie’s brow and her breathing became labored as she dug up the mysterious box, until finally she was able to wrench it free. 

It was the size of a lunchbox, once white but now stained black with ash, and when Ellie turned it over her jaw dropped in disbelief--meeting her gaze was an emblazoned red cross along with a name of a hospital she didn’t recognize printed beneath it. If this was what she thought it was… No, she didn’t dare let herself hope as she unlatched the container, opening it up with trembling hands. 

A surge of relief so strong it made her knees weak crashed through Ellie at the sight before her. It was a fully stocked medical kit not unlike one you would find in an ambulance, but every ambulance she had ever searched had been picked clean of any decent supplies. Ellie knew she was holding the most valuable asset anyone could ask for, that there were plenty of people who would kill to get their hands on this, herself included. Before stuffing it into her pack she rifled around, making a mental checklist of the items it contained, and when she saw the unopened package of syringes and still-sealed bottle of penicillin she thought she might cry. 

Without wasting any more time Ellie prepared the medicine, ripping into the pack of syringes and filling one with the apocalypse’s equivalent of liquid gold before injecting it into her bicep, wincing slightly. When she finished, she carefully placed everything back in the box, latching it tightly before sliding it into her pack. The situation had Ellie’s thoughts harkening back to Seattle, Dina’s wide brown eyes and soft smile as she slid her bracelet onto her wrist, for “good luck” she had said. Ellie, ever the serious one, had told her that she didn’t believe in luck. This had her wondering if she was wrong. 

As she became lost in memories, Ellie rubbed the spot on her wrist where Dina’s bracelet once sat, now knowing that she would do anything to get it back. Filled with a newfound sense of purpose, she pushed herself to her feet, swung her bag over her shoulders, and made her way to the boat. The sun was disappearing over the horizon, and as she walked Ellie continually glanced down at her wrist as if the bracelet would suddenly appear if she wished hard enough. Reaching the beach, she paused, staring at the endless expanse of ocean in front of her before climbing into the boat and steeling her resolve.

A moment of silence before a whispered promise to the sky. “I’m coming home.”


	2. no grave can hold my body down

Ellie didn’t know how long she’d been walking, just that the soles of her shoes wore uncomfortably thin, her feet able to feel every pebble or rock she stepped on. New shoes weren’t high on her priority list, however, so she forged on; Ellie was determined to make up for the time she had lost to recovery. It had taken two torturous weeks of rest and medicine before she had grown well enough to travel, but as soon as she regained her strength she’d taken off, whispering a “good fucking riddance” under her breath as she finally left the hellscape that was Santa Barbara. 

She knew logically that she was pushing herself too hard, that if she continued at this rate then she would end up collapsing, but every time Ellie tried to sleep it eluded her, and the few moments of rest she managed were interrupted by nightmares she could never remember in the morning. Eating was difficult too, as food was difficult to come by. Setting traps for wild game were useless when she never stayed anywhere for more than a few hours at a time, and though her fingers were healing (albeit slowly) Ellie still found it difficult to use her bow, which made hunting next to impossible. Not much meat was salvageable when you used a silenced pistol or a goddamned submachine gun on a rabbit, so Ellie was forced to make do with wild berries, plants, and any other foreagables she could get her hands on. Occasionally she’d manage to find some canned goods or other preserved foods, but the instances were too few and far between to rely on. 

The further north Ellie traveled the more she noticed the changing of seasons, and while she had no way of knowing for sure she was certain that her 21st birthday had come and gone. It wasn’t until she crossed into Oregon that the signs of fall began to overtake the last days of summer, leaves slowly transforming into vibrant oranges and reds, the streets beneath them becoming carpeted with their dead counterparts. It was the time of the year where the sun still beat down relentlessly during the day, only for the air to adopt a chill once it disappeared from the sky, and Ellie was grateful that she had managed to hang on to Joel’s old jacket after all this time. The soft, worn leather brought her more comfort than she’d expected, even after his scent had disappeared, long replaced with the smells of sweat and campfire smoke

Somehow she had managed to complete the entire first half of her journey home without running into much trouble. Sure, there had been a few infected here and there, or some groups of people spotted in the distance, but they were easy enough to avoid, and Ellie’s guns sat holstered, largely unneeded. That is, however, until she was midway through Oregon. That night Ellie sat close to the campfire she’d struggled to get started, trying to ignore the thick plumes of smoke the wet wood emitted; it wasn’t pleasant, but it was all she had to work with. The air was chilly and damp, leaving Ellie a shivering mess as she tried to map out the rest of the trip home, an old atlas spread in front of her. She’d made good time overall, despite the few weeks she spent laid up in Santa Barbara, and it was looking like she’d arrive home within a month’s time. With the way her body constantly protested, Ellie briefly considered taking it slower to allow herself more time to rest each day, but getting home in time for JJ’s first birthday was of utmost importance to her; she couldn’t afford to lose any more time. 

It was eerily quiet and the crisp autumn air hung heavy around her. The usually bright stars that illuminated the night were nowhere to be found, concealed by the heavy gray clouds that had produced so much rainfall throughout the day. Ellie sighed, reaching absentmindedly for the switchblade she’d always kept in her pocket before pausing, shaking her head when she remembered it was gone, lost to the California waves all those weeks ago.  _ “Stupid,”  _ Ellie murmured to herself. No matter how much time passed she still found herself instinctively reaching for it, just another precious item in a long line of things she’d lost in her insane quest for vengeance. It was a visual reminder of her mistakes, along with the dozens and dozens of sketches littering her journal of Dina, JJ, and Joel.  _ Especially  _ Joel.

When Joel died he had taken a piece of Ellie with him, a piece she’d thought was lost forever until the moment she released her hands from ‘round Abby’s neck, letting the woman go free. The piece had always been with her, she had eventually come to realize, just buried deep under layers and layers and grief and rage and blinding fear. Maybe she would have found it on her own one day if she’d stayed at the farm, surrounding herself with nothing but Dina and JJ’s love, but she really couldn’t tell you. If she were being honest, she didn’t think she would have. 

It was kind of inevitable, Ellie figured, leaving the farm. She wasn’t sure she could have ever put things behind her and started healing if she hadn’t seen it through. Even though her quest for vengeance didn’t end the way she’d imagined, for the first time since Joel’s death she felt a sense of closure. When Ellie had let Abby live, she’d broken a vicious cycle of violence that she’d been perpetuating since Seattle; a cycle that had turned Ellie into an unrecognizable version of herself. She knew Dina had seen it too, the way Ellie had changed--she saw it in the way Dina looked at her when she thought Ellie wasn’t paying attention, the way she sighed and bit back her true thoughts to keep the peace, how she walked on eggshells whenever Ellie had a bad day. Dina had never said anything, never made her feel guilty for it, but Ellie knew how much it weighed on her deep down, and it almost killed her. 

Ellie had felt like a vampire, one of those supernatural creatures featured in stories from the old world, slowly leeching all of the life from her family, leaving them nothing but husks of their former selves. With every panic attack, nightmare, and skipped meal she could see Dina’s eyes growing sadder; and she didn’t think she could ever get rid of the guilt from the times she was with JJ when a panic attack hit, how his screams and cries sounded so scared and confused. One of her deepest fears was accidentally hurting either Dina or JJ during one of her episodes--if that happened, god forbid, Ellie wouldn’t ever be able to forgive herself. 

Eventually Ellie folded the map and stuck it back in her bag, feeling satisfied with the travel plans she’d laid out for the next day, before kicking some wet soil over her pathetic excuse of a fire and continuing on her way. There was a small town up ahead she’d spotted from a distance and Ellie figured it was as good a place as any to try to get a few hours of sleep. It was better than sleeping on the ground, completely vulnerable and exposed to the elements, anyway; and switching her flashlight on Ellie began to make her way over to the rows of houses in the distance. As Ellie walked, the wet leaves blanketing the ground muting the sounds of her footsteps, something felt off, causing the hairs on the back of her neck to stand. Pausing, Ellie reached instinctively for the silenced pistol holstered at her side, straining her ears against the night.

Despite the oppressive silence meeting her ears, Ellie knew something wasn’t right, and her suspicions were confirmed with a snap of a twig right behind her. Before she could so much as turn around the stalker was upon her, slamming into her with the strength and fury only an infected could possess, sending them both tumbling forward. Ellie hit the ground hard, crying out when she felt the mostly-healed stab wound on her abdomen rip open at the impact. She fought to unlatch the stalker from her back and avoid its gnashing teeth; and she thrashed beneath it, eventually managing to roll over and use her legs to heave it away from her as she struggled to unholster her pistol, unloading an entire clip into the beast before it could either run off or attack again. The stalker’s dying twitches eventually subsided and Ellie scrambled to her feet, trying to reload her gun with shaking hands. From her experience, where there was one stalker there was bound to be more--the assholes hunted in packs, and there was nothing Ellie could do but wait, swapping the pistol for the shotgun and scanning her surroundings for any signs of life. 

From the corner of her eye came a flash of movement and Ellie spun on her heel, squeezing the trigger of the shotgun with a loud  _ BOOM,  _ causing the stalker’s body to shoot backwards at the impact of the bullet. As it lay dying, gurgling on its own blood, there was a rustling of leaves from above her. Ellie looked around for the source of the noise, gun held in front of her, but there was nothing there. Until there was. Without warning a stalker dropped from above, landing squarely on Ellie’s shoulders and sending her tumbling to the ground once more, the shotgun flying out of her grasp and skittering to a stop a few feet away. “Fuck!” Ellie gasped, the wind knocked out of her.

Since when could these assholes climb trees? Ellie didn’t have long to question it as she fought with the enraged beast, its arms flailing as its claws searched for purchase against her flesh, its rotting teeth clacking together sinisterly as it tried to take a bite of her. “Fuck…,” Ellie huffed, one arm pressed against the stalker’s throat to keep its mouth away from her while the other scrambled for a gun, any gun, before her fingers finally closed around something cold and metal. “...You!” she roared, pressing the gun against the base of the creature's chin and pulling the trigger. The gunshot made Ellie’s ears ring as bits of blood and brain matter were sent flying, the weight of the now-dead stalker’s body collapsing fully against her. 

Ellie panted, straining her muscles to push the dead creature off of her. She was covered in blood and grime, both from the stalkers and herself. Gingerly Ellie pulled her shirt up to assess the damage and cringed at the sight of fresh blood streaming down her abdomen from the reopened wound. “Son of a bitch,” she said through gritted teeth, pressing her palm firmly against it in an effort to stem the bleeding. 

Slowly Ellie drew herself up to her knees, crawling over to her discarded shotgun and tugging the sling over her shoulder before standing up. Her knees were wobbly and her muscles screamed in protest, but Ellie pressed on. Hopefully one of the houses up ahead would have something she could use for sutures since she’d run out of those a while ago, but more than anything Ellie needed to get off the street. She didn’t know if she had it in her to fight another pack of infected, especially stalkers; and seriously, since when could those dicks climb trees and work together to ambush humans? The thought that the infected could evolve to become even more advanced put Ellie on edge, and she quickened her pace towards the dark town. 

After a few more minutes of walking Ellie arrived at the little neighborhood. The houses were definitely more dilapidated than she’d originally thought, she noted with a wince, the ceilings caving in and entire houses collapsing into themselves. Ellie frowned, slowing her pace as she scanned the streets for a building that wasn’t completely falling apart. Luckily she managed to find one at the end of the street, an old two-story home that looked like it had been blue once upon a time, yet now only covered in flaking paint chips. The porch had completely sagged into itself, so Ellie went around to see if there was a back door. There was, and she pressed her ear to the house, closing her eyes and straining her ears for any sign of infected lurking inside. There was something coming from the front of the house, but it was far enough away that Ellie would be able to slip inside without notice. 

When her hand wrapped around the doorknob and twisted it, it stubbornly stayed in place, and jiggling it had no affect. Fuck, the door was locked--that would have been too easy. After a few moments of contemplation, she spotted a broken window on the second story of the house, but there was nothing around she could use to climb on. Well, nothing conventional anyway. There was an old, gnarled oak tree in the backyard, and one of its branches stretched reasonably close to the windowsill. Was scaling a tree and leaping into a not-so-abandoned house the best idea Ellie had had in her life? Not exactly, but she really didn’t see another option if she wanted to do this quietly and avoid awaking every nearby infected. She pulled her hand away from her side, palm stained red with her own blood, wincing. Ellie really needed to get that cleaned up.

With a sigh of resignation, Ellie began scaling the tree, using old knots and branches as footholds as she climbed. Finally reaching the top, she swung her legs over and sat on the large branch pointing to the broken window, placing a hand over her heart and taking a steadying breath (just like Dina had taught her) before shakily shifting herself into a crouching position. Arms out in an effort to keep her balance, Ellie slowly crept her way across the limb, wincing at the way it groaned under her weight the further out she got. When she got as far as she could Ellie leapt into the air and slammed hard into the side of the house, hands clinging tight to the window sill. 

Ellie barely managed to pull herself up with a grunt, her muscles trembling from exertion as she collapsed onto the floor, breathing heavily. From her place on the ground, Ellie surveyed her surroundings--it appeared that she’d landed in what used to be a child’s bedroom, the walls painted a soft green and toys covered in dust strewn across the floor, with a small bed tucked neatly into the corner of the room. Ellie closed her eyes once more, listening for any infected she might have missed earlier, but she didn’t hear anything new, just the sound of a lone infected downstairs. Straining against the pain, Ellie forced herself to her feet and slowly made her way through the hall and down the creaking stairs. 

The old wooden stairs protested loudly as she gingerly made her way to the bottom floor, the noise making Ellie wince, but it didn’t seem like the infected heard her. After reaching the ground floor Ellie moved into a crouched position, slowly maneuvering her way to the front of the house where the infected was lurking. Since she lost her switchblade in California Ellie had been forced to start relying on shivs, much to her annoyance. The damn things broke after one use, and the effort to find the supplies needed to make them was tedious. As she approached she was grateful to see it was only a runner, twitching and jerking as its low moans echoed through the house, and Ellie was able to take it down with ease (though she wasn’t happy about losing a shiv in the process). Feeling satisfied, Ellie made quick work checking the first level for supplies, pleasantly surprised to find more than she’d expected. She then did the same with the upper level and was left with a damn good haul. 

After she finally finished searching and securing the house, Ellie sat on the floor of what must have been the master bedroom, dumping the contents of her pack out in front of her. She cleaned and re-stitched the wound, smiling humorlessly as she noted that the procedure had become so routine she could do it in her sleep, before bandaging it up again. What Ellie really wanted in that moment was a shower because, holy shit, she felt  _ disgusting _ . Bits of brain matter and decaying flesh still stuck to her clothes and her skin was stained a dark reddish brown from dried blood that she was only partly responsible for. Her hair was disgustingly greasy, along with her skin that was now dotted with acne, and her fingernails were caked with dirt and blood. Not to mention how absolutely disgusting her clothes had become--she was surprised the infected couldn’t smell her coming from a mile away. 

The fatigue of the day weighed heavily on her, but Ellie forced herself to try to eat some of the canned black beans she’d found in the kitchen before going to sleep. Unable to stomach more than a couple of bites, Ellie ended up pushing the can to the side before climbing into the old bed, the wooden frame creaking from her weight. It was dirty from time, coated in dust and old leaves that had blown inside, but it didn’t have blood or anything weird on it; and hey, it was better than sleeping on the dirty floor. After a few minutes of tossing and turning, Ellie closed her eyes, snuggling deeper into the warmth of Joel’s jacket. For the first time in a long while she slipped into a deep, dreamless sleep, thoughts of the family she’d left behind playing in her head. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know there's been about a million post-canon fixit fics since the game released, but I just had to make one of my own. I'm hoping it gives my heart a bit of closure in the process. Comments and kudos mean the world to me and I appreciate the support I've gotten so far! I'll be updating every Friday, so stay tuned :)


	3. you still have a home

It was funny, really, how something could feel so familiar and so foreign at the same time. The farmhouse was devoid of any signs of life--the pictures, trinkets, toys, food, and everything that made a house a home was gone, leaving only the heavy furniture and a fine layer of dust in their wake. Ellie walked the length of the house, trailing her hand along the walls as if she was mapping her path. She paused at the foot of the stairs, taking a breath to compose herself before slowly climbing them, legs shaking. Footsteps padded behind her, and when she reached the landing the soft head of her companion brushed against her palm, and Ellie scratched the dog behind the ear, concentrating on the rhythmic sound of his tail beating against the old wooden floorboards. 

She had done a pretty good job at maintaining her composure, all things considered, but the facade of strength broke when she pushed open the door to the room that once served as her office. The space was filled with everything Ellie, and she took a staggering step back as if she’d been shoved. Suddenly her back was pressed against a bare wall and she was sliding to the floor, hugging her knees to her chest and trying to control her breathing. If Ellie had any hopes of Dina welcoming her back with open arms, the sight of her things locked away in some room while the rest of the house lay bare completely dashed them. Of course,  _ of course  _ this would happen, Dina had basically told her as much when she left, but seeing it with her own two eyes hurt more than Ellie could have imagined. 

Surely Dina and JJ had gone back to Jackson, it was the only reasonable conclusion. Jesse’s parents had been itching for them to return since before they ever left, and Ellie couldn’t fathom it took more than a couple of weeks for them to convince Dina to move. After all, what choice had Ellie given her? In an instant Dina had become a single mother left alone in a house full of ghosts and a farm full of responsibilities. Taking care of the garden, the sheep, all of the chores, and JJ was challenging enough with two people. If anyone could rise to the challenge it would be Dina, but more than a week of that would be enough to burn anyone out. The guilt lashing in Ellie’s stomach was enough to nearly bring her to tears, and she pressed the heels of her hands against her eyes.

How did she not realize how selfish her leaving was? Back then it had made sense in a strange, convoluted way, and Ellie had been able to justify it to herself in her mind, but now? Now the consequences of her actions were hitting her like a truck, Dina’s words to her ringing in her head-- _ “We have a family. She doesn’t get to be more important than that.”  _ Ellie was shit at conveying her feelings, she always had been, so she didn’t know how to tell Dina that she was doing this  _ for  _ her family. That if she didn’t finish this, all of Ellie’s ghosts and trauma and grief would rip them apart, would destroy them from the inside out. How she felt like she poisoned everything she touched, how she was so fucking afraid and angry and empty all of the time. Ellie couldn’t-- _ wouldn’t _ \--drag Dina and JJ down with her.

Was it worth it? Ellie didn’t know. 

… 

_ The stalker attack had put a wrench in Ellie’s travel plans, but by the time she reached the Washington border she was mostly back on track. It was easy to make up for lost time when you never sleep, she supposed, and every fallen leaf on the ground, every bare-branched tree inspired her to keep moving. It wasn’t easy, her entire body radiated pain with every step, but Ellie couldn’t let herself stop, not when she was getting so close.  _

_ It was late in the afternoon, sleet obstructing Ellie’s view and slowing her pace. Her toes were numb in her shoes, the watery slush soaked into her socks and leaving them uncomfortably wet, and she could barely feel her fingers, even though they were stuffed deep in Joel’s jacket pockets. Long story short, she let her guard down, so focused on finding somewhere to wait out the storm that she missed all of the signs that something was wrong. It wasn’t until they were right on top of her that she noticed, and she felt her heart sink at the sight of the burly men surrounding her.  _

‘Fucking hunters,’  _ Ellie thought to herself as she froze, muscles coiled with tension as she scanned her environment, searching for a weak spot to exploit, but it quickly became apparent that fighting her way out of this one wouldn’t be easy. Maybe she would’ve stood a chance when she was at her best, but Ellie was dealing with the beginnings of an infection from her stab wound, she hadn’t eaten in days, and was running on mere hours of sleep. The men surrounding her were large, their muscles putting Abby’s to shame, and they were armed to the teeth with a variety of melee weapons.  _

_ The one closest to her, a middle-aged man with graying hair took a step closer, a metal baseball bat resting over his shoulder and a pistol holstered at his thigh, one of his meaty hands resting over it. “Well, well, well, now what do we have here?”  _

_ Ellie frowned and her hand immediately flew to her revolver, but a press of metal against her back made her freeze. One of the hunters had circled behind her and was pressing the barrel of a shotgun between her shoulder blades. “What the fuck do you want?” Ellie eventually responded through gritted teeth.  _

_ The man that she suspected to be the leader laughed, a booming, malicious sound that chilled Ellie more than the sleet ever could. “Oh, we got a feisty one, don’t we boys?” The rest of the crew chuckled, nudging each other as they leered at Ellie, looking at her like starving animals who just came across their newest prey. “Say, let’s get out of this weather, whaddya say? Head back to camp, cozy up by the fire, just me ‘n you.” The leader was right in front of her now, and his yellowed teeth and rotting breath made Ellie’s stomach turn. Instead of a reply she spit in his face. _

_ Smiling with a barely restrained anger, the man wiped the spit off of his face with the back of his hand, his eyes dark in a way that chilled Ellie to the bone. “Fine. Guess we’ll do this the hard way.” The butt of a rifle connected with the back of Ellie’s skull before she had the chance to react, and the world around her faded to nothingness.  _

_ The smell of campfire smoke and rust was the first thing that registered when Ellie came to, blinking, her eyelids heavy and body aching. Her arms were tied behind a rusty pipe, and as her eyes adjusted to the darkness she realized she must be in an old warehouse’s storage room; rusted metal and debris littering the room. A young man sat in the doorway, his back towards Ellie as he sharpened a knife, and past him the sounds of laughter and loud voices could be heard coming from the adjacent room. If she stretched her head far enough she could barely make out a small group of men sitting around a fire, drinking and laughing in the distance. _

_ The man posted as guard hadn’t noticed her yet, and Ellie took a moment to center herself, doing one of the breathing exercises Dina had taught her months ago in an effort to keep calm. She had been through too fucking much just to get taken out by some stupid hunters, especially when she was just a week or two away from home. A humorless laugh almost escaped her as she entertained the thought. It would be her luck, wouldn’t it, dying unceremoniously at the hands of some random dicks who didn’t even matter. No one would ever know what happened to her--Dina would spend the rest of her life thinking Ellie died in California, or worse, that she just didn’t care enough to come back. Would JJ know who Ellie was? Or would he grow up without ever knowing she existed, without knowing she was his mom for the first five months of his life? Maybe that would be for the best, as much as it hurt to admit.  _

_ Fuck. Ellie really didn’t want to find out.  _

_ Ellie shook herself out of her thoughts, trying to bring herself back to the present. She needed to focus if she wanted to get out of this alive, and  _ god,  _ she had to get out of this alive. The thought of dying without ever seeing her family again was painful enough to knock the wind out of her, and suddenly Ellie found herself filled with a newfound sense of resolve, the world coming into sharper focus around her. Adrenaline pumped through her body as she scanned her surroundings. The hunters weren’t stupid enough to leave anything sharp within reach, but the pipe she was tied to didn’t seem very sturdy. Ellie quietly wiggled against it, feeling the old metal creak and bow as she did. Yeah, it wouldn’t take much effort to rip the pipe from the wall, but there was no way she could do that without the guard noticing.  _

_ The laughter from the other room continued almost tauntingly, and Ellie frowned as an idea came to her. It was incredibly stupid and would almost certainly fail, but really, what other choice did she have here? The window for escape was quickly closing, she had no idea what these hunters planned to do with her, and she didn’t plan on sticking around long enough to find out. Ellie sighed with resignation, resting her head against the pipe. Well, here goes nothing.  _

_ “Hey!” Ellie said, softer than she intended to, her voice hoarse and cracking from disuse. The man sitting in the doorway paused his movements for a moment before choosing to ignore her, going back to sharpening the knife. “Hey, asshole!” Ellie repeated, louder this time, and the man let out an annoyed sigh before finally pushing himself out of his chair and approaching her.  _

_ “What?” he huffed, crossing his arms over his chest. He looked younger than the ones she’d seen outside, thin and lanky with sandy blond hair pulled back in a ponytail.  _

_ “I have to go to the bathroom.” The man looked taken aback, his brows pulled together in confusion. _

_ “You have to… go to the bathroom?”  _

_ Ellie glared at him. “Yeah, dumbass, that’s what I said.”  _

_ The man opened and closed his mouth several times, thoroughly confused. “You… I… What do you want  _ me  _ to do about it?”  _

_ “I want you to untie me so I can take a piss.”  _

_ He stared blankly at her for a moment before turning to go back to his chair, and Ellie quickly continued. “Look, there’s a bucket over there in that corner. All you gotta do is untie me and turn around.”  _

_ He turned to her, incredulous. “You really think I’m stupid enough to untie you?”  _

_ Ellie blinked, half tempted to say yes. “Look, even if I tried to run, which I  _ won’t, _ I wouldn’t get very far with you guarding the only exit and your buddies right there in the other room, would I? You really think I could take all of you unarmed?”  _

_ The man shook his head, looking conflicted. “I don’t know…”  _

_ “Or I can just piss all over the floor and complain about it for the rest of the fucking night. How much longer is your shift, exactly?” The man groaned, standing in front of Ellie in obvious contemplation, before finally unholstering the gun at his side (and, holy shit, that motherfucker had  _ her revolver)  _ and bending to free Ellie’s wrists.  _

_ “Fine, but make it quick,” he grumbled, an annoyed scowl on his face as he finished untying her. He took a weary step back, holding the revolver with both of his hands. Ellie walked over to the bucket before turning to him, gesturing with her hand.  _

_ “Dude, turn around, don’t make it weird.”  _

_ “Yeah, I don’t know if that’s such a good idea…”  _

_ Ellie crossed her arms over her chest. “That was part of the deal. Untie me, turn around, let me piss, and then tie me back up again. Simple.”  _

_ Finally the man relented, looking utterly unsure of himself as he turned around. “If I hear anything funny I’ll put a bullet in your fuckin’ skull, you got that, girl?”  _

_ “Yeah, yeah,” Ellie mumbled. “Bullet in the skull. Sure.”  _

_ The man was standing just a few feet from her, the switchblade he was sharpening stuck loosely in his back pocket as he grumbled to himself. Ellie had exactly one chance at this, if she failed she was as good as dead, and she forced herself to quietly take a deep breath before acting. No more than a few seconds had passed since he turned around, and Ellie leapt forward, using one hand to cover his mouth while the other grabbed the switchblade and slit the man’s throat in one smooth motion. He quickly slumped to the floor, still gurgling on his own blood, and Ellie bent over, resting her hands on her knees. _

_ “I can’t believe that fucking worked,” she whispered to herself, still in disbelief. That had been such a horrible plan. She thanked her lucky stars that the hunters had stuck her with a guard as idiotic as that guy was. Ellie quickly moved on, grabbing the revolver and pocketing the switchblade. After a couple months without one, it felt good to have one in her possession again. Not as good as it would feel to have hers, but it was better than nothing.  _

_ Ellie found her backpack tossed in a corner of the room, but the rest of her weapons and Joel’s jacket were nowhere to be found. With a regretful sigh she slung the bag over her shoulder, feeling comforted by the familiar weight before quietly continuing on. Pressed against the wall, Ellie silently moved down the length of the hallway, holding her breath as she darted past the open door leading to the group of men sitting around a fire, relieved that they seemed to be too inebriated or too distracted to notice.  _

_ The escape was going off without a hitch as Ellie managed to sneak her way through the entire warehouse, the hunters ambling around completely unaware she was gone, until suddenly she heard shouting in the distance. She froze mid-step, quickly ducking behind a stack of crates as a man ran past her, out of breath. “She’s gone! She fucking killed Adam!”  _

_ “Search every inch of this place! I want her dead!” The leader’s voice made Ellie shiver unwittingly, sounding much closer than she would have liked. The warehouse had seemed empty and quiet before, but now it was bursting with life, dozens upon dozens of hunters stalking the halls, searching the rooms, all to find Ellie. She needed to get out of there  _ now. 

_ It took an agonizingly long time to get where she needed to go, her movements hampered by the ridiculous number of patrols walking the halls, but finally,  _ finally,  _ the exit was in sight. She sat crouched in a corner of a dark room, waiting for the shift change so she could make a clean break, and she was growing more nervous by the second. The men left their post and Ellie started to dart around the corner and make a break for it, but she was stopped by the sound of a shrill whine. Ellie froze, whipping her head around towards the direction of the sound; she wasn’t what or who made the sound, but whatever it was, it sounded very much alive, and for a moment she feared she’d been caught.  _

_ Her fears were allayed, however, at the sight of about six cages located at the back of the room, all of them empty save for the one on the far left, the furthest away from the light. Inside stood a tall dog with tan fur, tail fluffy and curled upward, eyes wide and sad. Ellie hesitated, eyes darting towards the unguarded exit and then back at the dog. It looked malnourished, even from here she could see the outline of its ribs, and it was trembling; from the cold or from fear she couldn’t tell.  _

_ “Fuck me,” she whispered, turning and running back towards the cages. The lock was simple, but Ellie’s hands were shaking so much that she kept losing her grip. Eventually she got it, lock clicking into place, causing the door to spring open. She had to jump back to keep from being run over by the thing, as it quickly took off down the hall, Ellie following right behind it. She had lost precious time in saving the creature, but somehow managed to slip through the exit without anyone seeing her, the dog bounding off into the night.  _

_ “You’re welcome,” she mumbled, only slightly annoyed, and she found herself hoping that wherever that dog went, it would find more happiness than it had locked in a hunter’s cage. Casting a glance around her, Ellie was surprised at the lack of people outside--they must have figured she wouldn’t be able to escape, what with the heavy patrolling. She smiled. Their fucking mistake.  _

_ She took off in a jog, eager to put as much distance between herself and the compound as she could without alerting anyone to her presence. The sleet had stopped, but without Joel’s jacket the cold, wet air seemed to seep into her bones, chilling her from the inside out and making her shiver. However, she didn’t get far before a roar of anger echoed in the silent night air, a large figure hurling itself at Ellie and knocking her to the ground. She fell hard, gasping when the air was knocked out of her lungs on impact, trying to squirm her way out from under the hulking figure on top of her. _

_ Before she had a chance to catch her breath, a pair of large, meaty hands wrapped around Ellie’s throat, squeezing. It was the fucking leader, because of course Ellie couldn’t have one goddamn thing go smoothly for once, could she? She thrashed beneath him, desperate to get air in her lungs, but he was too strong, and she was too fucking tired. Blackness began to creep in at the edges of her vision as her struggling grew weaker, fingernails clawing helplessly at the hands locked in a vice grip around her throat.  _

_ As she was slipping into darkness, she saw Dina. Her hair was pulled back in a braid, loose strands plastered to her face with sweat, and her son-- _ their son _ \--was cradled tight against her chest, tiny and wailing and the most amazing fucking thing Ellie had ever seen. Dina looked at their son with eyes full of wonder, and Ellie felt the tears slip down her cheeks at the memory of her love’s voice, more soft and gentle than she had ever heard, whispering calming words to JJ as she rocked him. Ellie closed her eyes, an almost pleasant numbness spreading its way across her body, and if she had to die, she was glad that her family’s faces were the last thing she’d see.  _

_ And then suddenly she could breathe again, and she gasped for air, coughing hard as it burned her throat, barely registering what had happened. The dog, that beautiful fucking creature had pounced onto the hunter, its jaws snapping at his throat as the leader struggled to keep it at bay. Ellie forced herself to her knees, still panting as she pulled out the revolver and fired one, two shots into the bastard’s skull, his body finally stilling as the dog relented its attack.  _

_ “Fuck,” she gasped, rubbing her throat before glancing at the dog. “You have some good fucking timing, dog.” It cocked its head at her, tail thumping against the earth as it watched her with curious eyes. “What?”  _

_ The dog whined, and Ellie pulled her bag off her shoulders. “You want some food? Is that it?” It stared at her, not recognizing the question, another low whine coming from the back of its throat. Ellie pulled out an unopened can of chili beans, something she’d found a few days ago while scavenging for supplies. “You can eat as soon as we get the hell out of here.” She forced herself to her feet, grunting with effort. “Probably heard the gunshots. C’mon, dog, we gotta go.”  _

_ Ellie took a deep breath, steadying herself for the journey ahead of her. She was so fucking close she could almost taste it. With renewed determination, Ellie took off into the night, the dog trotting close behind her.  _

… 

Ellie paused at the threshold of what once was her and Dina’s bedroom, hand shaking as it hovered over the doorknob. It was the last room in the house, and it filled her with dread and a hopeful anxiety at the same time--if Dina had left a note, a sign,  _ anything  _ indicating that she didn’t hate Ellie’s guts, it would be in here. She’d already scoured the rest of the farmhouse, this was her last chance. 

The dog nudged his head against Ellie’s leg as if he was encouraging her forward, and she couldn’t help but smile at the gesture. This fucking dog, man. Steeling herself for whatever awaited her, Ellie turned the handle and pushed it open. The hinges whined in protest, the open door revealing a room that was just as empty as the rest of the house had been, and her heart sank into her stomach. She took a tentative step in, glancing around; the bed was bare, though fresh bedding had been neatly folded and left on the mattress, and one of Ellie’s jackets still hung in the closet, but apart from that, the room was devoid of life. 

Ellie collapsed on the bed, springing to her eyes as she considered the implications. Would Dina even want Ellie to come find them, or was this meant to be a message, one telling her to stay the hell away? Would Ellie be able to live with herself if she didn’t at least try? Her throat felt tight and she swallowed thickly in an effort to keep her emotions at bay. This was always meant to be the end, wasn’t it? Ellie destroyed everything she fucking touched, the words she’d spoken years ago ringing in her head with a twisted irony.  _ Everyone I have ever cared for has either died or left me, fucking except for you!  _

Except he did leave in the end, bathed in his own blood as a woman beat the life from him; his divine retribution packaged in a golf club. And what about Dina and JJ? The bitter taste of self hatred filled Ellie’s mouth.  _ I don’t want to lose you.  _ But she hadn’t lost them, not really. No, they had lost her. This time Ellie had been the one to leave, to walk away from her entire fucking world with hardly a second glance. She brought this onto herself, and she was terrified that she was too late to fix it. 

Ellie laid down on the bed, a sob lodging deep in her throat as she curled into herself. What came next? Was there still a life for her somewhere out in the world? Was it even worth living without the love of her life, their son? Ellie had ended the chapter of revenge months ago, shutting the book on Abby and everything she did. She had thought the next chapter would be spent with her family, but now? 

Now she wasn’t so sure. 

Ellie closed her eyes.

… 

By the time she opened them the sun had dipped below the horizon, plunging the world into darkness, illuminated only by the full moon shining above and the canopy of stars. She must have fallen asleep, and her muscles ached as she sat up, rolling her stiff neck, still bruised from the attack a couple weeks before. Ellie sighed, rubbing her eyes, dry and itchy from crying, and she stood from the bed, moving to grab the lone jacket still hanging in the closet. She shrugged it on, the soft leather cool against her skin, feverish from infection, but something was off. 

Her left pocket bulged, and she reached in, confused as her hands wrapped around two items she never thought she’d feel again. Heart pounding hard in her chest, Ellie slowly withdrew the items clasped in her palm, scared that she was wrong, scared that she was getting her hopes up for nothing, but when she opened her fist she fell to her knees at the sight. 

There in her hand was Ollie, his fabric as stained and soft as it had always been, and wrapped around him was the bracelet Dina had given her so long ago.  _ “For good luck,”  _ she had said. Tears spilled over her cheeks as Ellie clutched the items to her chest, bringing the toy elephant up and smelling, sobbing at the smell of her son.

It really was funny, Ellie thought, how some things could be so foreign yet so bone-achingly familiar at the same time.

Ellie stood, and suddenly the pain in her muscles, the infected stab wound, the sleepless nights, they all faded into the background as she slipped the bracelet onto her wrist and tucked ollie into her front shirt pocket. She was going home. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi so I know I'm updating kind of late but it's still Friday okay...
> 
> Also I'm going to be responding to all of your comments soon because they mean the world to me and motivate me more than you know! I've been busy but I promise I've been reading all of them <3 
> 
> I'm publishing this chapter virtually unedited, I'm tired and this chapter was a doozy to write, but I'm planning on coming back later to make sure there are no major grammar issues or anything. I'm super super excited for Ellie to get to Jackson, so I might update before next Friday haha but we'll see!! 
> 
> I hope you enjoy, thank you again for your comments and kudos :)


	4. skin and bones

The gates loomed tall in the distance, a sight for sore eyes if Ellie had ever seen one, and god was it a relief to finally lay eyes on the town she’d once called home. Absentmindedly Ellie wondered if she’d ever call it home again, if she’d ever be able to find that feeling of safety and contentment she’d once felt so long ago, but she already knew the answer. The farmhouse, Jackson, those had never been home, those feelings came from Dina; JJ, too, once he was born. It didn’t matter where they were, as long as they were together. 

Would Dina ever forgive Ellie for ruining that? 

Her musings were cut short as she finally stumbled her way to the gate, leaning heavily on the makeshift walking stick she’d grabbed a while back, a fallen tree limb that dug sharply into her palms. The spotlights at the top of the gate swiveled in her direction, and Ellie lifted one of her hands to shield her eyes from the blinding fluorescent beams. “Identify yourself!” came a booming voice. A rifle poked its way over top of the walls, aimed directly at Ellie, and she swallowed. 

She opened her mouth to respond but nothing came out, words caught in her throat as the emotions of being here, of finally fucking making it back after all this time, threatened to overwhelm her. “Straggler! Identify yourself!” More rifles made their appearance, all trained on Ellie’s shaking form, but before she could say anything, another, more familiar voice cut across the clearing.

“The fuck are you doing, guys, put your guns away! Hal, open the goddamn gates already; you guys go get Maria. Christ, do I have to do everything around here?” The rifle tips receded from vision as, finally, the gate slowly rolled open, metal groaning loudly, and Ellie could only blink in surprise at the sight of the person in front of her. 

Cat hopped down from the ladder that led to the guard positions and immediately made her way over to Ellie, face twisted with an unrecognizable emotion. She paused a few feet away, staring like she couldn’t quite tell if Ellie was actually standing in front of her or if she was just a mirage, before closing the gap and wordlessly draping one of Ellie’s arms across her shoulder, supporting the taller girl’s weight as they made their way inside of Jackson, the dog following at their heels. They walked in silence until Cat let out an annoyed huff, glancing at Ellie from the corner of her eye. “Do you have any fucking idea what you did? Everyone thought you were dead.  _ I  _ thought you were dead.” 

Ellie opened her mouth to respond, but for the second time words failed her and she swallowed around the lump rapidly forming in her throat. She stopped walking, making Cat stop beside her, and Ellie looked at her with mournful eyes, shaking her head as if that could portray all of the emotions brewing within her like a storm. 

Cat just sighed, averting her gaze as she used her head to gesture toward the building that sat across the street from them. “Let’s just get inside.” 

The clinic was empty save for a middle-aged woman sitting at the front desk and thumbing through a book, her eyes tired from working what must have been the night shift. As the trio entered, the woman’s sharp gaze immediately honed in on the dog pressed against Ellie’s side, her expression souring. “That thing can’t be in here.” 

Ellie set her jaw. “It stays with me,” she said firmly, finding her voice for the first time since their arrival at Jackson. Cat just looked at the receptionist, shrugging as if to say  _ well, what can you do? _ , and the woman sighed, still frowning, but made no move to stop them as they made their way back to an open exam room, Cat helping Ellie into a chair. The woman followed them in languidly, glancing nervously from Ellie to the dog and back again.

“I’ll get the doctor, you hang tight,” and then she was gone and Cat was following, halfway out the door before pausing, turning to look at Ellie with a softened gaze. 

“For what it’s worth, I’m glad you’re okay,” and with that she left, shutting the door quietly behind her, leaving Ellie alone. The dog whined, moving to rest his chin on her legs and Ellie chuckled, scratching him behind his ears.

“Not totally alone,” she murmured, chest blooming with gratitude for the little guy, though she still wasn’t certain she deserved his affection. They sat like that for a while, Ellie focusing on breathing through the aching pains of her muscles and other injuries, but with every breath her body screamed in protest. Where was the fucking doctor? 

The door swung open, revealing not the doctor but a worried-looking Maria still clad in pajamas, her hair pulled away from her face in a loose ponytail. Ellie tensed, steeling herself for the onslaught of questions and reprimands and looks of disappointment that were sure to come, but instead Maria just crossed the room, wrapping her in a warm hug and  _ fuck,  _ Ellie almost lost it right there. It had been so long since she’d felt the touch of someone who wasn’t actively trying to kill her, and eventually she allowed herself to raise her shaking arms and return the hug, shutting her eyes tight against the rapidly-forming tears. “Ellie,” the older woman breathed, and it sounded like it was the first time she’d been able to catch her breath in a while, relief radiating off of her in waves. 

Ellie just shook, grasping Maria’s shirt tightly as she allowed herself to be held, comforted, and she could barely hold back the whimper building in her chest. Finally Maria pulled away, resting her hands firmly on Ellie’s shoulders as she looked at her imploringly, eyes widening as she took in the state of the girl for the first time. God, she must look horrible, her clothes hanging off of her small frame, covered in dried blood left over from both the stalker attack and the hunter incident, her body battered and bruised. Ellie hadn’t seen her reflection in… well, a long time, but she was certain it wasn’t pretty. 

“What happened to you?” Maria’s voice was so soft and full of concern that it made Ellie ache, and she didn’t know where to start. 

Thankfully the doctor chose that moment to arrive, knocking sharply before opening the door and stepping in, looking like he’d just gotten out of bed himself. Ellie let out a small breath of relief at the familiar sight of Dr. Erikson, the old man’s wrinkled face and kind eyes putting her at ease. Doc, as he preferred to be called, was a man in his 60s who had been at Jackson since its very beginnings. Before the outbreak he worked as a veterinarian, but time and experience had made him just as good (if not better) than any “real” doctor. He’d even trained himself to perform small surgical procedures using medical textbooks from a local college, and so far he’d taught several young adults beneath him as doctors. Everyone considered Doc to be a pillar of the Jackson community, his wise words and level head guiding the town and its residents out of many a predicament, and everyone looked up to him. 

He paused at the threshold of the door, brows raising briefly in surprise before shaking himself out of it, a small smile on his face as he approached Ellie. “Long time no see, lass,” he said gently, eyes sparkling, and Ellie huffed out a laugh, lowering her gaze to the floor. Not trusting her voice, she nodded in response. “Well, let’s take a look at’cha. Can you hop up on the exam table for me?” 

Could she? She felt weaker than she had in a long time, but she slowly pushed herself to her feet anyway, walking the few steps to the exam table, Maria helping her up to sit on top of it. The older woman’s gaze barely left Ellie, almost like she was afraid that if she blinked Ellie would disappear, which, yeah, that was fair. “Do you want me to go?” Maria asked softly, to which Ellie vigorously shook her head, surprising even herself at the reaction. Feeling like a small child, she reached out for the older woman, loosely grabbing her wrist. 

“Stay,” she said quietly, unable to meet the older woman’s eyes. Maria, god bless her, just rested her hand on Ellie’s shoulder reassuringly, not needing to say anything else as Doc walked back towards them, a bundle of cloth in his arm. 

“Now Ellie, I need you to change into this hospital gown for me. You can leave your undergarments on but take everything else off, and make sure the ties are in the back. Understand?” Ellie nodded mutely, taking the hospital gown from his grip. “Good. I’ll step out and give you some privacy.” Doc smiled at her before leaving the room, shutting the door tight behind him. 

Maria looked at her, “Do you need any help?,” and man, Ellie hated how much she felt like a child, weak and helpless while everybody took care of her, but she nodded despite the initial hesitance. She wasn’t sure she’d be able to get out of her clothes and gear on her own, and even if she could it would take an embarrassingly long time. The older woman stepped forward and began helping her undress, making sure not to look at her body for any length of time by keeping her gaze focused on the wall behind them, only glancing down when she needed to. 

Ellie had never taken the time to truly appreciate Maria’s stoic, no-nonsense demeanor, but she was certainly grateful for it now as the woman carefully but quickly stripped her of her clothing before helping her into the gown, wordlessly tying it in the back without Ellie even having to ask. When she finished, she gathered Ellie’s clothes in her arms, but paused when Ellie quickly reached out to stop her. “Wait,” she stammered before grabbing the flannel, carefully pulling Ollie out of the front pocket and holding it to her chest before returning the shirt. Maria hummed, a small smile on her face--it seemed that she, too, knew the significance of that little toy elephant. 

When Doc came back there was a young woman with him, one who Ellie vaguely recognized but had never spoken to before. She trailed behind him, pushing a tray full of medical supplies that made Ellie’s stomach knot with nerves, but Doc was quick to reassure her that they wouldn’t be needing most of the tools, and that helped her relax, though only slightly. Maria stood calmly by Ellie’s side as the doctor and his assistant thoroughly checked her over, finding herself wincing as he poked and prodded at her stomach, and purposefully trying to keep her injured hand from view. The two missing fingers were a visual reminder of all the trauma she’d gone through over the past two years, and she didn’t think she was ready to answer the difficult questions that would surely come if the doctor spotted them. 

“What’s the verdict, Doc?” Maria asked, voice more serious than Ellie had ever heard. Christ, did she really look that bad? 

The old man sighed, an uncharacteristic frown on his face. “It’s not great, but it’s nothing we can’t manage,” he paused, fixing his eyes at Ellie, “It’s a good thing you got here when you did,” which she almost certainly knew was doctor talk for ‘ _ hey, you’re on death’s doorstep, of  _ course  _ you look that bad.’  _ Doc continued talking, going over the various medical procedures they would need to do, along with her treatment plan and how long she’d need to stay, but Ellie had tuned him out, feeling too exhausted to process any of what was happening. 

“What happened to your hand, Ellie?” came Doc’s voice. 

Well, shit, that certainly woke her up. “Nothing,” she said too quickly and defensively to be true, pulling her bandaged hand behind her back. Everyone looked at her with surprise as an uncomfortable silence settled over the room. Ellie shifted. “My hand’s fine, it’s not infected or anything.” She shot Maria a pleading glance as if to ask the woman to back her up, and she just sighed.

“Can we give her the supplies to clean it herself?” Maria asked tiredly, and Doc considered it for a moment before relenting, digging around in his cart for some alcohol, antibiotic ointment, and bandages. 

He looked at Ellie sternly as he handed her the supplies. “You take care of this, and let me know if there’s anything,  _ anything  _ that don’t look or feel right, got it?” Ellie nodded gratefully, waiting until Doc and his assistant left the room before turning to Maria. 

“Can you turn around?” she asked, voice small as she leveled her gaze at the floor. Maria stood quiet for a moment, but did as she was asked, turning to face the wall and giving Ellie the privacy she needed. It was quick work, a menial task she’d grown used to over the past months, cleaning and bandaging her hand, only this time the supplies were much more effective, a thought that provided some relief. The stubs where her fingers used to be along with the burn covering the old bite mark were healing, Ellie could tell that much, though by the looks of it her fingers were going to be pretty misshapen; a fact not entirely surprising considering the way they were bitten off and poorly cauterized. 

The events that followed were a blur thanks to the pain meds Doc administered when he returned, and Ellie was finally able to drift off into a dreamless sleep, the first of which she’d had in a very long time. She floated in and out of consciousness, only vaguely registering the things happening around her, because every time she began to grow lucid the people working there gave her more medicine, knocking her out again. A few times she could recall the dog sitting by her bed, growling at the workers as they approached Ellie, and that brought a little comfort. Logically she knew everyone there was just looking out for her, but it was nice knowing that she had that little creature in her corner to protect her if things went south. 

When Ellie awoke, the first thought she had was that she must still be dreaming, because in no reality would she be seeing what she was right then; Dina curled up on a makeshift bed consisting of two chairs pushed together and some blankets, just mere feet away from her, fast asleep. An emotion heavy and raw raked its way through her chest and Ellie could barely hold back the sob that lodged in her throat. She wanted so badly to reach out and touch Dina, to feel her soft skin and reassure herself that this was real, she was real, that  _ they  _ were real and alive and okay, but she kept her hand at her side. 

She’d lost the right to touch Dina long ago. 

A younger man walked into the room before Ellie could fully process the turn of events, holding a clipboard and looking over his notes, and she figured this must be one of the people who trained underneath Doc, though she didn’t recognize him. He glanced up and his eyebrows raised at the sight of an awake, albeit groggy Ellie, propped up on her elbows and refusing to take her eyes off of the sleeping figure next to her. “You’re awake.” 

Ellie didn’t respond, afraid that if she made any sudden movements reality would come crashing in around her and Dina would disappear before her eyes. At her lack of response, the man approached cautiously, shooting a weary glance at the dog curled up on the floor next to Ellie’s bed before speaking in a low voice. “I need to take your vitals. Don’t worry, this won’t hurt.” But she couldn’t even register what he was saying, hardly noticing as he attached a blood pressure cuff around her arm, pressing a stethoscope to her pulse point while he squeezed the pump, filling the cuff with air before letting it release slowly. 

He looked pleased as he scribbled something on his clipboard. “You’re looking much better, Ellie.” 

“How long have I been out?” Ellie asked hoarsely, throat scratchy from disuse, her eyes never leaving Dina’s sleeping form. The woman stirred and Ellie held her breath, releasing it when her eyes stayed shut. 

“Only a few days. Your body was running on fumes, it needed as much rest as we could give it.” He paused, glancing between Ellie and Dina almost awkwardly. “I’ll… give you two some privacy and check back in later. Holler if you need anything.” And then he left, shutting the door tightly behind him.

Fear and guilt crept into Ellie’s heart as she studied the peaceful woman in front of her, drinking in every inch of her small form, from her messy black hair to her smooth, olive skin, dark circles ringing her eyes. Dina looked skinnier than she had the last time she’d seen her, the thought feeling like a punch in the gut. Had she been eating? Sleeping? Was it Ellie’s fault? God, she wanted so badly to reach out and push a stray lock of hair behind Dina’s ear. It was a gesture that used to come as natural as breathing, but those days felt like a lifetime ago as she watched Dina’s chest rise and fall, counting every breath. 

Ellie didn’t know what to think. Despite finding Ollie and the bracelet, items that seemed to be peace offerings of a sort, she didn’t dare let herself hold any expectations upon her arrival in Jackson. She knew with a certainty that it wouldn’t be easy, gaining her trust back and making up for all of her past wrongdoings, and Ellie wouldn’t have blamed Dina for hating her, as much as it would hurt. But there she was, steadfast at Ellie’s side; despite the pain and hardships Dina must have endured in her absence, she cared enough to stay. It made Ellie’s heart ache in her chest--why was Dina here? 

Ellie didn’t know what this meant for them, but she did know one thing: she didn’t fucking deserve any of it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact!! I'm updating early this week because I'm going to be moving into my apartment on Friday! Which would be fun and exciting if there wasn't, you know, a pandemic going on lmao. 
> 
> The chapter wasn't supposed to end sadly but it was getting too long and I decided to cut it off there, so think of it as the first part of a really really long chapter lol. The girls are finally back together and my heart can't handle itttt 
> 
> Thank you all for your support, it means the WORLD!! 
> 
> (PS- updates might become slightly irregular since I'm six days away from starting school, so please be patient with me <3)


	5. to me it always seems i am leaving

After everything she’d been through over the past two years, Ellie thought she knew pain. It was a familiar sensation, almost comforting, something to hold on to and focus on when everything else felt a million miles away. It was always there, waiting around every corner with open arms to embrace her, and Ellie let herself fall into them every single time. 

Ellie thought she knew pain, but looking into Dina’s wide eyes so full of anger and sadness and confusion (and relief?) made her think that she didn’t know it at all. 

They sat quietly for a long moment that felt like years and seconds at the same time, Dina dressed in what looked like clothes she’d wear out on patrol and Ellie in a hospital gown that offered next to no privacy at all. It was paralyzing, this new pain that filled her, weighing her limbs down like cement and stealing her voice as she struggled to say something, _anything_ to break the deafening silence between them. 

Then Doc came in and she didn’t have to, because at his presence Dina stood and left so abruptly that Ellie found herself wondering if she was ever really there at all. 

… 

The old man had given her firm instructions to get some rest, that they’d talk about letting her go home the following morning only if she stayed fever-free throughout the night; so naturally Ellie ditched the clinic as soon as the opportunity presented itself, clad in sweatpants and a thread-bare shirt she’d managed to find stashed away in storage. The morning air was brisk, all traces of summer gone, a light layer of frost covering the grass and crunching under her footsteps as she made her way to her old garage-turned-house, the dog trotting a short distance behind her. When Ellie tried the handle she let out a groan when it didn’t budge; the house must have been locked up when she and Dina moved out of Jackson, and since she definitely did not have a house key it looked like she’d have to come up with a plan b. 

In a turn of events that surprised no one, there weren't a whole lot of options at Ellie’s fingertips. Movement in the town was picking up, people beginning to venture out of their houses and make their way to their respective jobs while parents dragged their groggy children towards the direction of the school, and Ellie knew she needed to come up with something fast. In a split-second decision Ellie turned and made her way towards the far east wall, hoping against hope that the spot the teenagers always used to sneak out of was still there, and to her relief it was. Bending the loose piece of metal back, Ellie managed to wiggle her way through the small gap, her shirt getting caught on a jagged corner and ripping, but she kept going until she was officially outside of the walls. 

This was probably a stupid idea, all things considered, but stupid ideas were basically Ellie’s MO at this point; and there was no way in hell she was going to walk over to Maria’s with her tail between her legs to ask for the keys to her place. She had left the dog inside Jackson’s walls, pleasantly surprised when he listened to her commands to stay in the yard. He was great, really, but right now Ellie was in desperate need for some alone time to sort out her jumbled thoughts before her head exploded. 

The hike to the lake was longer and more difficult than Ellie remembered, her body still exhausted and sore from the months of pain she’d put it through, and by the time she reached the rocky shore she was completely out of breath. While the lake was technically outside the safety of Jackson’s walls, it still fell inside of the safe zone, an area so regularly patrolled that the threat of infected was virtually nonexistent, but Ellie still had trouble letting her guard down, jumping at every noise. The area was much the same as she remembered, and she slowly ventured onto the half-rotting wood of the dock, testing to ensure that it would hold her weight before walking to the end, taking her shoes off and letting her feet dip into the water. 

Which, granted, was a fucking terrible idea considering it was cold enough to begin with, and now Ellie was shivering, the icy waters of the lake almost instantly numbing her feet and spreading goosebumps up her legs; but she didn’t move them, instead concentrating on slowing her breathing as she focused on the dull aches of her numbed feet to ground herself. It worked relatively well, and soon the onslaught of emotions and thoughts and anxieties that had previously been bombarding her at every angle were fading into the background. 

Ellie didn’t remove her feet until they were almost blue, and she quickly found out that taking them out of the water hurt more than putting them in. Gritting her teeth, she rubbed at them with the sleeves of her shirt until she began to regain feeling, wincing at the sharp needling sensation prickling its way across her skin. Eventually she pulled her socks and shoes back onto her feet and shifted so she was sitting cross-legged on the dock, reaching into her bag and grabbing her well-worn journal so she could flip to the next blank page and begin sketching. 

For the longest time after Joel’s death she couldn’t draw his eyes no matter how hard she tried, constantly sketching and re-sketching them until she ended up scribbling them out entirely in frustration. Joel’s glassy eyes had haunted her, bloodshot and unfocused as he lay still in a pool of his own blood, Ellie’s arms held behind her back as she was pinned to the floor, thrashing around and pleading for them to stop. The final crack of the metal club against Joel’s skull replayed over and over in her head, and even after he died his eyes remained open, unstaring and empty. 

Dead. 

Gone. 

Never coming back. 

Things had changed since then, though, and the fluid motions of pencil on paper came easier than they ever had until the finished product was sitting in front of her, a sketch of Joel on his front porch with guitar in hand. It wasn’t the last time she’d seen him, but it was what she decided to remember him as, peaceful and content with fingers plucking away at his old acoustic. That was the Joel she wanted to see when she closed her eyes. Ellie liked to think she would get there someday. 

“Thought I might find you here.” 

Ellie startled at the voice, nearly dropping her journal into the water as her head swiveled around, her hand reflexively clutching at her chest, “Jesus Christ.” 

“Nah,” Dina said, hands buried deep in her pockets. “Just me, sorry.” The joke fell flat, the forced smile on her face not quite reaching her eyes, and Ellie swallowed. 

It was like she was paralyzed again, mouth opening and closing as she searched for something to say only to come up empty. Dina crossed the beach and climbed onto the dock next to Ellie, hugging her knees to her chest and staring out onto the lake. 

“You look like shit,” Dina said, breaking the silence and purposefully avoiding eye contact. 

Ellie huffed out a laugh, “You’re like the third person who’s told me that.” 

When Dina didn’t reply Ellie finally forced herself to turn her head and look at her, and Dina’s furrowed brows made her wonder if she said the wrong thing already. God, that had to be a world record for her, fucking everything up literally as soon as she opened her mouth. It was almost impressive if it wasn’t so horrible. 

But a response from Dina never came and an oppressive silence settled over them once more, Ellie picking at the worn corners of her journal as her heart hammered in her chest. After what felt like a million years Ellie finally managed to say what she’d been wanting to since the moment she left. 

“I’m sorry.” 

Dina shut her eyes, barely-restrained anger practically radiating off of her in waves, and Ellie braced herself for what was to come. “You’re _sorry?_ You walk out on us for half of a fucking year and that’s what you have to say?” 

“Dina, I--” 

“No, Ellie, don’t you fucking say my name like that, like you love me. You don’t get to do this,” and then Dina was standing, hands gesturing wildly as she paced the length of the dock. “You just--you can’t--I thought you were _dead,_ Ellie! I _mourned_ for you! And then you just, just… Ugh!” She threw her arms up in frustration, and when she finally let herself look at Ellie her eyes were shining. 

Ellie stood on shaking legs, carefully tucking her journal inside of her backpack as she began to approach Dina, palms up placatingly. The glare Dina shot at her made her falter, and she ended up stopping just a few feet away. “I’m--I’m shit with words, Dee, but I’m _trying,_ just please let me--” 

Ellie was cut off by a single bark of laughter, loud and humorless coming from Dina. “I don’t know why I even bothered to come here,” and it sounded like she was talking to herself rather than to Ellie as she pinched the bridge of her nose. “Fucking ridiculous.” 

Desperation filled her chest as she watched Dina walk away, and Ellie took a staggering step forward. “Wait,” the word sounding strangled, and when Dina paused, back still facing her, she continued, self control be damned. “JJ… Is he…” 

The fire raging inside of Dina suddenly sputtered out, her shoulders slumping, and for a moment Ellie didn’t think she was going to respond, until, “Yeah, he’s… He’s good.” Her voice sounded wet and Ellie’s chest ached with the desire to reach her hand out and pull her into a bone crushing hug until there was no space left between them, but she was frozen to the spot. 

When Dina walked away, Ellie didn’t call after her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, life is officially crazy again which is why this update is coming a week late. School just started up for me and I just accepted a new job, which basically means that free time will be few and far between. Updates miiiight be slower than once a week but I'm going to try and stay on schedule!! 
> 
> This chapter was a doozy to right, let me tell you. I typed out 2k+ words before deciding I hated it and erasing it all, and then cranked this out in like 40 minutes. It was wild. 
> 
> I know this chapter was rough and angsty, but things can only go up from here for our girls!!! I'm so excited to keep going! 
> 
> Thank you so much for your support and patience, the comments and kudos give me so much motivation and happiness to see!! To be honest this fic is incredibly self-indulgent, so seeing other people enjoying it is super exciting :') 
> 
> See you next week!!! (hopefully)


	6. they say love is pain, well darling, let's hurt tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Let's Hurt Tonight by OneRepublic

After half a year on the road, finding those rare moments of sleep laying on dirt and leaves and things she’d rather not think about, a real bed with a real mattress should have felt like heaven; so why the hell could Ellie not get comfortable? The first night back in her home was spent tossing and turning, constantly adjusting her blankets as she got too hot and then too cold, before eventually giving up entirely, crossing the room and slipping her shoes on before venturing outside. It was dark, past midnight, as Ellie’s feet led her in the direction of Joel’s old house, robotically climbing the stairs and sitting heavily on the porch. The spot had a nice view of the stars, though they were darker, more faded than Ellie was used to after being away from a city like this for so long. While Jackson was lucky enough to have a steady source of electricity, she had to admit that she missed the brilliance of the night sky when it was untainted by artificial light. 

She didn’t know why she came here of all places, but when she thought about it she realized that there really weren't many options at her disposal. The walls of Jackson once brought with them a sense of safety, tenuous as it was, but now she couldn’t help but feel like a caged animal, an itching desire to run until she was far from civilization creeping its way through her limbs. Being here, in a community with numbers and protection and  _ people _ , was so foreign to her, and Ellie still found herself jumping and reaching for her gun at every little noise, which was exactly how she was able to hear the crunching footsteps leading up to her small home so easily. Ellie stood abruptly, withdrawing the revolver tucked into the back of her jeans quickly before realizing how stupid that was and slowly putting it away again. God, if she was staying here long term she  _ had  _ to get her shit together. 

The sight of Dina’s figure silhouetted by moonlight shocked her enough to send her staggering a few steps backward. What was she doing here? After what happened at the lake Ellie was certain Dina wanted nothing to do with her, not with all of the pain she’d caused her and JJ over the past six months. 

Ellie watched unsure as Dina approached her front door, raising her fist to knock before hesitating and letting it fall back to her side, turning and leaning against the house instead, and Ellie wasn’t sure what to do now. She was pretty certain that she wasn’t meant to see this, Dina had clearly changed her mind about coming, but there was a selfish tugging deep in her heart that spurred her feet forward, overruling all logic. 

If Dina heard her approach she didn’t indicate it, and Ellie faltered as she got closer, suddenly second guessing all of the choices she’d made that night, before steeling her resolve and continuing. She stopped just feet away from Dina, who was leaning against the house with her eyes shut and head hanging, jumping when Ellie cleared her throat. 

“Uh,” she began, nerves making her voice tremble, “Hey.” Dina opened her eyes, blinking a few times like she didn’t believe what she was seeing in front of her, caught in a rare moment of stunned silence. 

Eventually she brought herself out of it, standing up straighter and wrapping her arms around herself protectively. “Hey.” 

“I, uh, couldn’t sleep,” Ellie said lamely and  _ fuck,  _ this was so goddamn awkward. It was hard to imagine that once upon a time talking to Dina came as naturally as breathing, the two falling into their familiar pattern whenever they spoke. There had been a time when she was Dina’s home and Dina was hers; that is, until she’d ruined that, too. 

“Oh,” Dina replied, avoiding eye contact. “Yeah, neither could I.” 

“Is JJ…?”

“He’s at Robin and Michael’s,” Dina answered hurriedly, looking uncomfortable. 

Ellie nodded a few too many times to be natural, “Oh, that’s, uh. Good.” 

A sigh. “Yeah.” 

Feeling a dash of courage, Ellie stood up straighter, letting her eyes flicker to Dina’s face before falling back to the ground. “Do you want to come in?” 

Dina hesitated and Ellie was certain she would say no, so when Dina eventually nodded in agreement she was completely taken aback, frozen in place for an awkward moment before moving to open the door, letting Dina inside. Ellie followed, heart beating wildly as she watched Dina slowly walk the length of the room, her fingers tracing the furniture as she went. 

The home was still painfully bare, but at least now the bed was made and she had some clothes in her drawers, courtesy of Maria, who was too fucking good to her even after everything she’d put her through. Ellie stood awkwardly by the door, afraid that if she made any sudden movements Dina would come to her senses and leave. 

Eventually Dina sat on the couch, gesturing for Ellie to do the same as she sat with her back straight, her posture unnaturally stiff. She did what she was told, taking a seat next to Dina, ensuring that there was a wide gap between them, worrying her bottom lip with her teeth. 

“I’m sorry,” Dina blurted out, eyes glued to her hands that were clasped in her lap. “I shouldn’t… I…” Her voice trailed off as she searched for words, and Ellie’s chest ached. After everything that happened Dina was apologizing to  _ her?  _

“S’okay,” she mumbled, scratching the back of her neck. 

Dina huffed, frustrated, “No the fuck it isn’t, Ellie. I shouldn’t have said those things. You were just trying to apologize, and I-” She took a shaky breath, trying to gather her thoughts. “I was just so scared,” she continued in a whispered voice, her eyes shut tight as she shook her head. “I don’t… This is all so sudden and I’m so confused and I, I don’t know how to feel.”

Ellie nodded, biting the inside of her cheek hard to keep herself under control, and when Dina finally looked at her, face twisted with emotion, Ellie found herself aching with longing. It had been so long, she’d spent so much time away from the love of her life and now she was  _ right there,  _ and the desire to reach out and touch her, hold her, to be held by her, was so strong that it hurt. 

“I was scared, too,” she eventually responded, shifting in her seat to pull her knees to her chest and rest her chin on them. 

Dina chuckled humorlessly. “I’m  _ still  _ scared.” 

Ellie swallowed, nodding in understanding. They sat in silence, and though it wasn’t completely comfortable it felt easier than it had before. The tension was still there, but some of it had dissipated, and Ellie wasn’t about to complain about that. 

“I missed you,” came Dina’s voice, small and uncertain, and when she looked at Ellie her eyes shone with unshed tears that punched a hole straight through her heart. 

Ellie paused before shifting closer to her, thigh burning the instant it made contact with Dina’s, and she sucked in a gasp. The whole world seemed to slow down as Dina turned towards her, her hand reaching out and landing on Ellie’s arm, squeezing so tightly that she wondered absentmindedly if it would bruise, though she knew she wouldn’t care if it did. Then she pulled Ellie in, their foreheads resting together, and Ellie couldn’t stop the sob that ripped its way from her throat, loud and violent. Almost of their own accord, her hands found Dina, one resting on her arm and the other on her thigh, as Dina brought her spare hand up to cup Ellie’s cheek, thumbing away the tears she didn’t know she had shed. 

Ellie wanted to say something, to tell Dina how much she desperately missed her too, how every night she ached with a yearning so strong that it left her trembling. How her arms felt empty without their son cradled in them, the steady beating of her heart pointless with JJ’s absence; how she almost turned around more times than she could count, wanting nothing more than to see her family again. 

But it was like the air was stolen from her lungs, barely able to breathe through the hot tears that just wouldn’t stop, her entire being overwhelmed from the sensations of Dina’s touch, and suddenly there was nothing in the world but  _ Dina, Dina, Dina,  _ her hands and breath and smell all encompassing. They weren’t even properly hugging, just clinging to each other so tight that it hurt, like they were each other’s life preservers in the middle of the raging ocean, the only thing keeping them afloat.

Suddenly Dina stiffened, lifting her forehead as she noticed the unbandaged hand clutching her thigh, and panic flooded Ellie’s veins as she yanked her hand back like it had been burned. 

“Ellie,” Dina choked, eyes sorrowful as fresh tears tracked down her cheeks when she blinked.

“It’s-” Ellie’s voice cracked, and she shut her eyes, one hand squeezing the other, thumb brushing the rough stubs where her fingers used to be. “It’s nothing.” 

Dina ignored her, reaching to gently take Ellie’s hand in her own, and Ellie surprised herself when she didn’t immediately pull away. Dina’s face contorted in pain as she took in the damage, the ugly burn covering what used to be a bite mark, two misshapen, angry red stumps replacing her pinky and ring finger, and Ellie swallowed, shame washing over her. 

Trembling, Dina slowly raised Ellie’s hand to her lips, pressing soft kisses against the stumps and then down the length of her burn scar, stopping at her wrist to place one last lingering kiss before pressing Ellie’s hand to her heart. 

Ellie’s chin quivered as she leaned forward, resting her forehead on Dina’s shoulder, and Dina’s spare hand moved to trace calming circles over Ellie’s back. When she eventually spoke again, voice shaky and uneven, _ “What happened to you?” _ , the only thing Ellie could do was cry. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a short chapter this week, but we're officially over halfway to the end! Writing this is so therapeutic, and the fact that others are enjoying it makes it even better. I'm not sure if I'll continue my weekly updates with school and work, but I'm going to try my best! 
> 
> Thanks for your support, it means the world. I hope you enjoy reading this hurt/comfort as much as I enjoyed writing it <3


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